Pat and I met back in 2006 when I was in my last year of nursing school and he was a Captain in the Army about to deploy for the first time. By the time we got married in 2011 we had been through lots of difficult situations together. I do believe that the “hard times” we face as a couple during deployments and cross country moves, really helped us build resilience as a team.
But parenthood definitely brought on an entirely new set of challenges for us. Our journey to have children was difficult. We experienced multiple miscarriages and it was really hard on us both. When Noah turned a year old we got an unexpected surprise, we found out I was pregnant with Sam. And soon after that, we got his prenatal diagnosis, that our sweet baby boy I was carrying would have Down Syndrome.
I’ll never forget having to call Pat while he was away on a business trip to tell him that our baby had a “chromosomal abnormality”- What does that mean? He asked. He probably has Down Syndrome, I whispered but the test isn’t 100% sure.
The weeks and months following were a whirlwind of tests and appointments and us beginning to process becoming special needs parents. Like any parent facing a life altering diagnosis for their child- we asked Why Us. The pain was overwhelming. The grief was immeasurable. The tears and fears were so heavy. Our lives were forever changed, and now looking back on it, so was our marriage.
We were on a walk last week and I asked Pat- How has being Sam’s parent’s impacted our marriage and he said something that really opened my eyes to how much we have grown together, he said… That is when we really became a team.
He was spot on.
I know before there was a lot of me being the default parent for the kids, and not for his lack of wanting to do more, I wouldn’t let him. I was definitely the more controlling, my way is the right way type of partner during those early years of being a Mom to Maddie and Noah. I wasn’t like that when we were dating, but something about becoming a Mom made me obsessed with making everything perfect and just right for them. So much so I rarely, and I mean rarely left them, and I felt the need to control every aspect of their days.
Boy have I grown as a wife, mom and person since those days! Ha!
Becoming Sam’s parents gave us perspective, especially me. It forced us to take on things together. Mommy was no longer going to be the default parent. Pat was more than capable of doing everything I could do (even if we did it different ways) and I learned to let it go because truly we had more important problems than him putting his own spin on the big kids night time routine.
Simply put- we became a better team.
A team who takes on things together. A team who asks for help. A team who gives each other space to grieve and process however that works for them. A team who still prioritized our 1:1 time. A team who appreciates the others' efforts and a team who ALWAYS finds a way to laugh in really uncomfortable and stressful situations.
That’s who we became because of Sam. We were both willing to evolve and grow together. And I think that is a big piece of the puzzle. It doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements because we do. We are human and we don’t always get it right. And we definitely can have different ways of tackling the kids' ever changing needs.
But we now we work together versus separately. We are better for the kids and Sam when the load is shared. When both of us are in the know. When both of us can take a breather or night away (guilt-free) and know without a doubt the other person can handle the situation.
We didn’t get to that point overnight. Especially for me, it took a lot of letting go and letting him step in and help. Thank goodness I did because this would have been too much for me to try to carry all by myself.
Here are a few tips that can help you get on the same page with your partner when you are parenting a child with a disability:
We take things on together
One of the best ways for us to both stay in the know is by us keeping each other up to date on everything with the kids. That way if a teacher calls him, or he has to take Sam for an appointment- he knows everything I know. I know a lot of times the mom is the default for all the things, and having to repeat everything can feel like more work for the mom, but I do believe it overall lessens the load when you can free up the mental energy of not having to do that therapy or that appointment for your child. Every Sunday we have a weekly planning meeting - so we always know what is coming up for the week ahead.
Ask for help
This is by far the most underrated thing, as a mother parenting a child with a disability there are a million tabs open in my brain, so why am I doing this all myself or even trying!? ASK your partner for help. If they don’t know how to help you, tell them! They aren’t mind readers. Speak up, say what you need. If you are feeling burned out, say so! This is a life-long role, being a caregiver, and you will find so much more joy in your marriage and in your life when you can ask for help and when you accept it! Plus this really helps with resentment that can build when one person is always the one carrying the load.
Give each person space to grieve and process however it works for them
This is very important for me to remember, Pat processes things differently than I do and that's OKAY. He might want to go for a drive or not talk and be in his thoughts, while I want to talk about it with a friend. Neither is right or wrong, but giving them space to process is very important to their wellbeing!
Prioritize date nights (or home date)
We love being together and still find it so much fun to just have 1:1 time. This has looked very different depending on our season of life. When Sam was in the NICU- we would visit him together on Sundays, and then leave the hospital to have a meal together before we headed home to the big kids. Now that they are older and all in school, we love a day-date! We seek out those pockets of time, if they aren’t there already we create the time. Another way to carve out time for each other is to make use of the time you may have in the evening after the kids go to bed. Resist the urge to always catch up on household chores or zone out and watch TV. Spend time together instead. We both really look forward to this because for us the best way to reconnect is through 1:1 time together!
Appreciate the others efforts
Remember when I said- ask for help- now the appreciation comes in. It's not good to ask for help and then tell them how they did it wrong, that's most definitely not helpful, and yes I used to do that. I am just thankful now when Pat makes Sam’s food or handles an insurance call for me. It truly helps lighten the load.
Laugh together
We both really appreciate a well placed joke in the middle of an awkward situation- some might observe us and think we are crazy, but humor is our coping mechanism. We have been in some really low places together, but we always find that a sliver of hope and humor help to lighten the mood.
Maybe you’ve been through some struggles over the years. What marriage hasn’t? Maybe some of your interests have changed. But at the end of the day, there’s one thing that’s constant: your partner is the only one who knows exactly what you’re going through and loves your child as much as you do, and is also on the same life-long journey. Because of these challenges, you have the opportunity to become stronger together!
If you have any questions or comments, please share below! I would love to hear how you are keeping your marriage strong while parenting a child with a disability.
~ Sara
Parenthood, Resilient Team, Challenges, Unexpected Joys, Journey, Love and Laughter, Parenting Strength, Special Needs Parenting, Growth Together, Marriage Resilience, Shared Love, Teamwork, Grieving Process, Date Nights, Prioritizing, Asking for Help, Appreciation
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